There are many myths and misconceptions about caregiver grief and about bereavement in general. Often, these myths come from societal or cultural beliefs about death and dying, and have been around for a long time. However, these beliefs are not always based in facts and can sometimes lead to unrealistic expectations around grief. To counter this, this blog post will shed light on some of these myths so that we can all be more aware and sensitive of the experiences of grievers. Click through some of the most common caregiver grief myths below:
- Myth: You are no longer a caregiver since the person died
- Reality: Your role and identity as a caregiver does not disappear when the person you are caring for dies. That part of you does not get erased with the death of that person. Your caregiving experience has likely impacted you in many ways and will always be a part of who you are.
- Myth: Bereavement should be less painful for a caregiver since the death was expected
– Reality: Even if you expected that the death would happen (due to illness, decline in health, or medically assisted death) or experienced anticipatory grief, this does not make the death less painful. As described by Therese Rando, “A rehearsal is not the real thing.” (Rando, 1988, p. 70) Many caregivers often describe feeling surprised and shocked even when they expected the death and thought they were prepared for it. This does not make it any less painful or challenging in bereavement.
- Myth: Grieving means letting go of the person who died and moving on
- Reality: After being a caregiver for an extended period of time, you and others in your life might expect you to ‘let go’ of that person, put them in your past and ‘move on’ with your life. However, the truth is that we cannot simply ‘let go’ of a person and our relationship with them continues even when they have died. Grieving does not mean that we need to forget about that person, but that we are learning how to adjust to life without their physical presence.
- Myth: After caring for someone for a long time, caregivers should feel relieved to have their life/time/schedule back when the care recipient dies
- Reality: After the physical, mental, emotional, social and financial implications of caregiving, it is possible for you to feel a sense of relief when the care recipient dies. If the care recipient was ill, many grievers feel a sense of relief that the person is no longer suffering. This can be normal. However, you may also not feel relieved, and may also feel relief as well as many different emotions. There is no “right” way to feel and there is no single emotion that a person “should” feel. The experience of each caregiver is unique and valid in light of their circumstances.
- Myth: Caregivers are only grieving the death of the person they were caring for
- Reality: Oftentimes, you may be grieving many losses at the same time and these can become compounded. These can include the:
- Death of the loved one
- Loss of the relational identity (as a partner, child, sibling, friend, etc.)
- Loss of the caregiver identity
- Loss of a sense of meaning and purpose
- Loss of support
- Loss of time
- And many more…
These losses can also feel more intense during significant holidays and anniversaries. The myths described above are just a few of the many false beliefs about bereavement. Because of these myths, caregivers sometimes feel that what they are experiencing is not “normal” or they may not want to speak about it with others out of fear of judgement. This can lead caregivers to feel even more isolated and make it harder for them to adjust to the death. Instead, we now know that grief is not predictable or time-limited and can manifest in many different ways and areas of a person’s life. There is no “right” way to grieve. When beliefs about grief are restrictive and prescriptive, they can lead to unrealistic and unhelpful expectations. With each individual’s bereavement experience being unique, it is important to recognize and make space for the different realities of caregivers. By dispelling these myths in yourself and in conversations with those around you, you are helping to create more compassionate communities.
- For myths about grief in general, visit: https://www.mygrief.ca/mod/lesson/view.php?id=798&pageid=1994
- For 64 myths identified by grievers, visit: https://whatsyourgrief.com/64-myths-about-grief-that-just-need-to-stop/
What other myths are there about caregiver bereavement?